Bittersweet

Today has been hard. Ever since I was crowned Mrs. Oklahoma two weeks ago, I have been going full speed ahead. I have been busying myself with appearances and appointments, planning trips and making new connections, keeping up with blogs, Facebook pages and Twitter accounts.....and I have loved every minute of it. This opportunity I have before me is such a blessing - one in which I am still trying to process the enormity. In between all these busy moments, however, I have been trying to come to terms with the most difficult event in my life to date.
The Tuesday before the pageant, April 13th, 2010, my father, Brad Baldwin, passed away at the age of 63. While he had been in the hospital for several months, he was supposed to have a full recovery so this was very sudden and shocking to both me and my mother. The doctors believe he went into cardiac arrest.
My father had the most beautiful exit from his earthly body into heaven. My mother, my husband and I, along with my parents' long-time best friends, were gathered around Dad. Our pastor was there with us also. We asked that his ventilator be turned off and our pastor began reading a verse from 2 Timothy in the Bible. "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith....". And just within those few sentences, my dad was at peace.
I knew I still needed to compete in the pageant but at that moment I wasn't sure if I would be able to. Walking around in a swimsuit with a big smile on my face just didn't feel appropriate to me. By the next morning, however, I told my husband,Ryan, and my mom that I was going to go through with it. I was going to do it for two reasons. One, my daughter, Hayden, still needed her cure - nothing had changed about that. And two, my dad would have killed me if I dropped out because of him. He had been so excited that I was doing it and he was really having a hard time with the fact that he was going to miss it.
I grew up doing music theatre and had at least four shows a year from age five all the way through college. My dad NEVER missed a performance. Well, he still holds his perfect record. I know he was there with me that night, watching over me and giving me the strength to make it through. I actually felt him there.
Today was hard because I finally had to tell my daughter about Dad. She came out of her bedroom tonight and told me she wanted to see her silly Pa-Pa - when would she get to see him? I took her back into her bedroom, sat with her on the bed, and took her hands into mine. I told her that Pa-Pa wasn't sick anymore. I told her he was an angel with Jesus now and that, even though we couldn't see him anymore, he was with us all the time. She had a few questions but my daughter is very wise for her age and she knew what I was saying. She climbed into my lap and we cried together. To be quite honest, I haven't allowed myself many times to cry yet. One of the hardest parts of my father's passing is worrying that Hayden won't have any memories of him someday. That she won't remember how crazy he was about her. But maybe she will. That is one of my prayers.
I was extremely proud to call Brad Baldwin my father while he was on this Earth, but the pride I feel now of the person that he was has grown tremendously since his passing. Mom and I have been hearing so many stories from friends and acquaintances of Dad about the things he did for them when they truly needed a friend. There was the story of him making a phone call every week to a friend that lost his job. He just wanted to check on him, make sure he was ok, and constantly give him a new phone number of someone that might have a job for him. Or the time he drove to the house of one of my mom's friends who was going through a separation - just to give her a hug and tell her he was there for her if she ever needed him. There are so many more stories like these and Mom and I had never known these things had happened. I was always so proud of my dad's abilities and his strength, but now I find that I am immensely proud of his character - of the person he was when no one was looking.
I want to be like my dad, now more than ever. I want to learn from his example of how a truly selfless person lives their life. These past couple of weeks have been bittersweet for me. I am so excited and thrilled about what I can do to better my daughter's life, but sometimes I feel heartbroken that my daddy is not here to see it all happen. Then I remember, though, that he is seeing every bit of it - that he is even more proud watching me from above than he would be down here on Earth. And each day I feel a little bit more of his strength, and I gain a little bit more motivation to carry on the legacy of who my father was, and, most of all, I strive a little bit harder each day to be the kind of parent that he was to this little girl who loved him so much.
During my reign over this next year I will have my emotional ups and downs. I will have some amazing accomplishments and I will have some disappointments. I will fight as hard as I possibly can to make sure my daughter beats her disease and has a long and healthy life. I will have an amazing journey that I will carry with me forever...and I will do it all with my daddy at my side.
"For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day - and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing."
2 Timothy 4:6-8